GETTING A JOB
A friend of mine tells me that her daughter, despite obtaining the requisite 2.2 university degree, found great difficulty even getting an interview for a job. In frustration, or perhaps in desperation, she wrote to a public relations firm as follows:-
"I am a dynamic person, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to re-model train stations in my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the areas of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Kenyan refugees. I write award-winning operas and I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row. I captivate men with my sensuous and goddess-like trombone playing. I can pilot bicycles up serious inclines with unflagging speed and I cook 30-minute brownies in 20 minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love and an outlaw in Peru. Using only a hoe and a large glass of water I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon basin from a hoard of ferocious army ants. I play Blue Grass 'Cello. I had trials for Manchester United. I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I get bored, I build large suspension bridges in my back garden. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after University, I repair electrical appliances free of charge. I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have appeared on "Through the Keyhole" and won the gold plaque. Last summer, I toured Eastern Europe with a travelling centrifugal force demonstration. I run a thousand metres in 9.77 seconds. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botanical circles. I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick and David Copperfield in one day and still had enough time to refurbish an entire dining-room that evening. I know the exact location of every item in a supermarket. Children trust me. I have performed several covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week and, when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me: I balance, I weave, dodge, frolic and my bills are all paid on time. At week-ends, to let off steam, I participate in full contact origami. Years ago, I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only vegetables and a toaster. I breed prize-winning clams. I have won bull fights in Madrid; cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka and chess tournaments in the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet; I have performed open-heart surgery and - I have spoken with Elvis! The only thing I haven't done and which I would dearly like to do is to have a career in public relations."
Well, her mother tells me she had an interview; was offered a job; and started it on 18 September! Yes, it's a true story!
And the moral: Be imaginative when you write your CV.
John Wall